The Hook-up: Hunting for Sex: Cautionary Tales from the Quest

Throughout my twenties, I’d been a ferociously creative person. But I hit a creative wall at age thirty and found a “stable” office job. The creativity stopped, and that creative energy got tunneled into sexual exploration. Some of that exploration was amazing, some of it was challenging. About a year ago, I started to see a therapist. For the most part we discussed my sex life and the questions that arose from it. He suggested at the same time that I do something creative, like writing. “What would I write about?” I balked. He suggested I write about things I was talking to him about. Thus my first essay, about a hook-up I had recently had.

You want your blog to be a place for gay guys to discuss issues with sex. Did you see a void there? 

We men talk about sex all the time. But do we really share it all, or do we edit out the parts that we are afraid or ashamed of? I wanted to shed light on the hidden truths we keep to ourselves about our search for sex. Without shame. I wanted a real dialogue with readers, without the bravado or posturing we might use when discussing sex.

What response and feedback have you received on the blog?
It’s been amazing, but I got exactly what I’d hoped for and that was a dialogue with men. I have readers who comment on the blog or write to me privately and share their innermost thoughts on sex and the journey sex has taken them on. And you know what? I end up learning so much from these men. I have my truth, they have theirs, and in the end I am blasted away by the wonder and mystery of sexuality, in all its glory and difficulty too.

I was very intrigued by your post on alcohol and sex from January. In the weeks since, have you had more thoughts on your relationship with booze and sex? Have you found others who feel the same?
I spent many a moment wondering if it was a problem that alcohol was a fuel for my sexual activity. And my readers wrote to me and the question went in circles as we hashed out what constituted an addiction. I have a followup essay about addiction to add to my blog down the road, but in a nut shell, I decided not to pathologize my mix of booze and sex. Dammit, I’m just the kind of guy who likes to throw back a shot and get naked! Sue me.

Do you ever have difficulty writing about explicit, and sometimes very kinky, sex? 
I never have trouble writing about explicit or really kinky sex that I’ve had, because I never do it to be gratuitious. Instead, it’s necessary for the reader to know what I did in order for them to know how I felt about it.

Is there anything you won’t write about? My hobby is sex, the way scrabble is other people’s hobby. I’ll leave the scrabble players to write a blog about that. But when it comes to sex, there is always so much to write about. The difficultyI have is that I have a day job and so use a pseudonym when I write. And I hate having to do that…

You’re been to many great cities…where have you found the best guys? Ah yes, I’ve lived in New York, Montreal, Germany, Vancouver, and travelled to many more. But damn those German men – nasty in all the best ways! Open and liberated and sexual. I find that it’s not so politically correct in some gay circles to be so open sexually. It’s as if that should be a remnant of our gay history and we should now focus on getting married and finding a house in the suburbs. While that can be right for some of us, I tend to want to put the “sex” back in “homosexual”.

Have any of those guys you’ve written about seen/commented about your writing?
To protect identities, I do change the names of the people I write about. I would never in a million years want to comprise the privacy of the beautiful men who have shared my bed (sling, troff…). But I also have not shared my blog with many friends. I actually don’t think my nearest and dearest want to know that much about my sex life.

What’s coming up in life for you that you might write about? 
I’m moving to Toronto this month (February 2013), and am so excited to discover the sexual gems (people, places) of Toronto. Discovering your blog and website Jon was the first great diamond find! So you could say I`m coming to Toronto with open armsand an occasionally open fly (grin).