I am a bisexual man and I’ve been in an exclusive, monogamous, wild, happy relationship for over five years.
With a woman.
Five years, just one person. Of one sex.
And I still fly my proud bisexual flag because that is who I am.
Being bisexual comes with an unfair share of stigma and difficulties. Being called a fencesitter. Being considered “just confused.” Hell, there are still people out there who downright refuse to believe bisexuals exist!
Honey, we are fantastic, but we’re not fantastical.
Both the straight and queer communities eye us with suspicion as if we’re constantly on the prowl and entirely uncontrollable.
Some of us are, some of us aren’t. When the bi community adopted the questionable moniker ‘anything that moves’ I thought it was empowering for those of us who do want variety in our sex lives.
Funny thing is, I am not one of those. Despite my best efforts, superbly slutty just didn’t happen for me. I’m a little too shy and prone to falling madly in love when I do connect with someone. I didn’t do all that well at polyamory either. I tried, but I didn’t have the emotional balls to ensure everyone involved was cared for.
Monogamy is what I do best—even with my bi identity.
When people get to know me, find out that my partner is a woman and that I am bi, I watch the little mountains they are trying to climb in their minds. A great many cannot make the get to the top of that hill, cannot understanding that I choose to be with her and retain my identity.
I can tell they have questions. I can tell they have opinions. Some will actually verbalize, while others just silently judge. While I don’t always enjoy the remarks I get, I do appreciate the candour. And depending on my mood, I either reply with wry witticisms or snappy sarcasm.
Here are some common thoughts people have felt free to share when discussing my sexuality:
No, I am not just on-the-way-to-gay
No, we’re not interested in being open/poly so I can get some cock
Yes, I fantasize about men because I am a collected sexual being
Yes, we do sometimes discuss interesting men
Yes, we do also sometimes discuss interesting women even though she is heterosexual
No, she has no greater fears of me leaving her for a man or a woman
Yes, I am happy
That last one is what gets me the most. People freely question my happiness in this monogamous relationship. As if I shouldn’t be. As if I can’t expect to be. And frankly, I get this from people of the queer community a lot more than from the het folks. I don’t know if it is seen as some kind of betrayal of the queer struggle—one I’ve actively engaged in for almost 20 years—but this makes me the most sad.
I’ve got a thick skin and I’m not afraid to be different, but, ultimately, I do want to be understood.
And what I need people, all people, to understand is that I am a bi man in love with a woman and I am beyond happy. Cock or no cock,
