I chatted with Jessica just before the launch of Kinky Sex: the Secret to Long-term Desire, to get the low down on this exciting new guide.
Who is Kinky Sex for?
Anyone who wants passionate, exciting sex! Let’s face it – boring, routine sex is a key cause of cheating and divorce. Kinky Sex: the Secret to Long-term Desire shows you how to satisfy your desire for novelty within your relationship, so you don’t go searching for it elsewhere.
Lots of people yearn to spice things up but feel unsure where to start. We’ve all read books like Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s not exactly helpful on specifics. How do you raise the topic of Kinky Sex in the first place? Tie and tease your lover without leaving rope marks? Deliver a sexy, satisfying spanking? Or just talk dirty without looking silly?
When I tell people about my book they often say, “but it’s inevitable the sex gets dull. There are only so many things you can do.” And I feel like yelling, No there aren’t! There are an infinite number of options, and exploring the creative possibilities is an amazing adventure to embark on with your partner.
Relationships quickly go stale if you’re pulling the same old, tired moves. Sex is the only thing you do with your partner and no one else, so it needs to be great! If you want to catapult your trust, intimacy, connection and desire, ‘Kinky Sex’ shows you step by step exactly how.
Many factors lead to attacks from “Passion Assassins.” What are some of the most frequent for people?
Ironically, emotional intimacy can be a real passion killer. We tend to desire what’s sexy, different, ‘other’ from us, so when we meld completely with a partner the passion fizzles out.
If we don’t feel desired by our partner, that stranger in the bar who has the hots for us suddenly becomes very attractive. We feel sexy when we feel appreciated. So if you don’t want your lover straying it’s important to keep showing them you still desire for them, by teasing, flirting with them and building anticipation. Those are some of the things I show you how to do in Kinky Sex.
Another problem is this concept of being a ‘good girl’, which driven to an extreme extent causes us women to cut off completely from our sexual selves. Likewise, men can see themselves as ‘good guys’ and shut themselves down from sexually experimenting with their wives. But maybe your wife *wants* you to grab her hair, tie her up or put her over your knee. Maybe she’s thinking “God save me from another session of missionary with the lights off!”
When a guy puts his partner on a pedestal it can stop him thinking of her as sexual at all, which often leads to him indulging his sexual side with porn or prostitutes. And all the time the guy’s wife might be thinking, ‘I wish we could spice things up a bit’. I think that’s really sad. I hope my book helps couples start to talk about their fantasies and connect with each other, rather than venting their frustrations with external stimuli.
But that’s just a couple of the Passion Assassins I mention – you’ll need to read the book for the other four!
How did you develop the Sexual Personality quiz?
I’ve been talking to people about their sexual predilections for the last seven years and I’ve learned a lot. One of the things I’ve become good at is throwing out a few choice questions and testing people’s reactions. When their eyes start twinkling, they catch their breath or they get this tell-tale little sly smile, I know I’ve hit a sweet spot!
So although I spoke to psychologists and sex therapists, most of the questions in the quiz were written intuitively. I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve breathlessly told me something the quiz revealed which totally made sense, though they’d never quite put words to it before.
How can we best negotiate that fine line between getting a partner interested in our kinky desires and alienating them?
I’ve come to believe that our sexual personas are much like being gay or straight: you can’t help what you’re into. But often, someone who seems uptight is hiding a shameful secret: they privately fantasise about doing something they would never dare tell their partner about.
Usually what they want to try isn’t even a big deal – they’ve just hyped it up in their own head! So rather than forcing your own desires on your lover, the first thing to do is foster a trusting environment where they can tell you about theirs without fearing judgement or rejection.
It also helps to be a bit flippant. Instead of launching into some story about how you’ve always wanted to do something, why not playfully say ‘You look so sexy in that dress, I just want to tie you to the bed and do dreadful things to you’. You might be surprised at the reaction you get. After all, everyone likes to feel wanted.
Which of the specific instruction and advice sections in Part II did you like researching and writing the most?
I loved researching the Femdom (female domination) chapter! Which is funny as although I’m quite dominant in my day to day life, sexually I’m not. But writing about female domination gave me an insight into something I never thought could be fun. Imagine getting your lover to serve you for the evening in any way you wish… the average tired housewife would definitely see the attraction in that!
The submissive men I met when I researched that chapter were an eye-opener. I thought they’d be all wimpy and effeminate, but most are actually dynamic go-getters who want a break from always making the decisions. I can sympathise with them! It feels good to let go and let someone you trust take control for a while.
If you’re asking me which bit was the hottest to write, without a doubt that’s the ‘Science of Spanking’ chapter. Why? Let’s just say it hit home!
The whole experience of writing Kinky Sex has been life-changing. I always knew I had a sexually creative imagination, but I was totally unprepared for the imaginations of others! I’ve heard some fascinating stories, met some amazing people, and written a book which does its bit to help save couples from the slow, deadly slide into relationship boredom and breakdown. And I got to write about a topic that for most of us is endlessly fascinating: sex!
