“I love it when the guy fucks me in my armpit, cum there, etc. My personal dream is to realize a movie with nine men in one interesting Tantric position in which one of them fucks my pussy, another one my ass and a third in my mouth. One more is between the feet, two more in the armpits, one between the boobs and two handjobs for two others. I think it would be very beautiful and magic.”
My jaw fell open, my heart raced and I had a minor panic attack. I looked through the glass and saw my producer’s face reflect mine. And my next guest, a well-known sex writer, had her hands on her cheeks, eyes wide and mouth extended in an “Ohhhhhhh!” I could see but not hear.
And it went on. And on. I was live on community radio with a guest describing, in great detail, how and what she would do with 9 men at one time.
* * *
I had been one of the hosts of Sex City on the University of Toronto’s radio station CIUT 89.5FM for about 3 years. While it is community radio, and firmly entrenched there, CIUT actually transmits a far-reaching signal that travels a 150km radius around the city. It definitely isn’t something you have to hold an antennae out the window on a clear day to receive. CIUT is a well-known, well-respected station and Sex City has been a part of the station for more than 15 years.
While the station itself is run by volunteers and managed by a few paid staff, it ultimately has to answer to the same government body all other Canadian broadcasters: the Canadian Radio Telecommunications Commission (CRTC). That agency has many functions, including ensuring compliance to Canadian Content requirements, granting broadcasting licenses and ensuring community broadcast standards.
But this is Canada. We really don’t hear of many incidents where broadcasters are admonished for breaching community broadcast standards. Once in a while a shockjock will come along, say something offensive and be fined. But that is rare. Most of our content is a quaint as you’d expect.
Over the years, Sex City has actually received one notice of complaint. The mandate of the show is to discuss sex, sexuality and gender as they relate to current affairs, social issues, politics, the arts and much more. Sex City explores a simple theme that has a wide base of content from which to draw. While it various between our 4-5 hosts, the general set up of the show is to interview a few guests and in between segments, we play a few sexy songs that fit the theme of the show.
But it wasn’t anything we said, it was one of those songs that led to someone in the community calling in a complaint to the CRTC. Sure, we discuss fetish, sex worker rights, erotica…but it was “I Don’t Give A…” by Peaches that was just too much for one listener. Because it was just one call, there was no formal admonishment or penalty, but from that point on, we knew that people were listening and that we might piss them off.
* * *
The “I Don’t Give A…” incident happened a couple years before I started on the show, but it did happen when we were still in our 5pm Saturday afternoon time slot. It is not a coveted spot, with people mostly listening in their cars. Still, it was better than Wednesday afternoon, the show’s original air time.
At three years in, I was comfortable on the mic, I was booking strong and interesting guests and I was always conscious of the line we have to toe when it comes to the sensitive nature of sexual topics. I have a standard speech of what words can and cannot be said on air. We need guests to understand and hopefully heed this because CIUT does not have a delay and our producers cannot bleep offensive language. If we say it, you will hear it. No take backs.
Because I was feeling good, I was really branching out on subject matter and guests. Researching people and their widely ranging sexual interests and activities is fascinating stuff. I want to challenge myself and my listeners and bring topics into conversation that do not normally get spoken of.
That ethos gave me the really good idea of interviewing a Russian armpit fetish model.
* * *
I don’t even remember how I came across Bestia or even the idea of armpit fetish. I’ve seen and heard of a lot of different porn, but maschalagnia (armpit fetishism) was entirely new to me. But once I found Bestia, found some of the sites and magazines she had appeared in and on, I thought it would make for a unique and intriguing discussion on the show.
I mentioned that she is Russian, right?
Connecting over email, she explained that her understanding of English is very strong—written English that is. She explained that she can speak English, but not well enough to carry a conversation, particularly with radio nerves getting in the way. So we concocted a plan wherein I provided her the interview questions so that she could prepare her responses in advance, practice reading them and then recite them back to me while we were live on the air.
This seemed a straightforward approach so I went ahead, produced the questions and sent them off to her. She was grateful for my consideration and promised to prepare great answers. She did, however, offer one caveat: she told me to not deviate from our “script.” If I were to ad-lib or throw in a new question, she would potentially freeze-up and lose her place in the interview. I appreciated her candor and readily agreed. We were all set.
Unfortunately, I made two mistakes.
* * *
Show day came and I was feeling good. I was excited, feeling that I was going to do something edgy and one-of-a-kind. I was really looking forward to talking with Bestia! Through my intrepid research, I’d developed an interest in her work and this always makes an interview better. Plus, I was on pins and needles waiting to hear what Bestia had prepared.
Mistake #1: I did not request to read her responses. I didn’t even think of it. I am still not entirely convinced it was necessary, but listening to that interview again, I really should have. None of our guests are outrageous with their talk. Maybe it is because of the language speech. That talk is a pretty clear indicator that our conversation needs to be family friendly—even when dealing with sexual themes.
Mistake #2: I didn’t give Bestia that language speech. In a lapse of thought and judgment I just assumed she wouldn’t even know English sexual colloquialisms. Unlike not vetting her responses, this mistake was an actual choice I made.
So, a few questions in, she into that hoped for, epic sex act and I was aghast. I didn’t know what to do. As the words came out of her mouth in Ukraine and out over the air in Canada and beyond, I felt my fun, hobby radio career hitting a brick wall of censure. From the station. From the CRTC. From the rest of the Sex City crew for screwing up so badly.
I thought about stopping her. I thought about jumping to the next question. I wondered if she’d understand what I was doing and roll with it or if she really would be completely flummoxed. Earlier on in my Sex City career I had done some pretty bad interviews. ones where I completely lost—or never had—the guest. In one instance, an overly nervous artist replied with nothing but one word answers. That experience was horrible and I really didn’t want to get into a situation where Bestia was confused.
So I let her continue, uninterrupted, in all her armpit orgy glory.
* * *
After the show we were all, understandably, taken aback. The common sentiment was that we hoped, this one time, that no one was listening. That, I tell you, is an odd feeling for a producer of media content. But I really was afraid that that we would get in trouble. Can you imagine a parent, channel-hopping with a car full kids, pressing the scan button and having it land on a station just as ” one of them fucks my pussy, another one my ass and a third in my mouth” comes out of the speakers?
To be clear, never have I held any of this against Bestia. It all falls on me. I did not perform my due diligence about language and I did not review her material. She was very professional and did much to promote her appearance both before it aired and after. She often mentioned the interview online, well after it aired. Had I discussed the parameters with her, I have no doubt she’d have been amenable. We have had guests who flagrantly violate our language requirements but I am sure Bestia wouldn’t do that.
Luckily, we did manage to fly under the radar on this one. No complaints. Not from the community, not from the government, not from the station. Whip that brow and give a big whistle! I did not want to inflict punishment on the station or my colleagues for these mistakes. And I wanted to remain on the air! But from that point on, I was certainly more cautious about who I booked and how I instructed them about their obligations of language.
The thing is…I really hate doing that.
* * *
When my first daughter was born, I had a conversation with her mother and a friend of mine about using coarse language around children. Personally, I have no issue with it as long as that language, when used, is given context and consideration. In other words, I would tell my kids what I mean by the word ‘fuck’ and I would advise them with whom and where it is appropriate to discuss such words. At home? Sure. With family? Fine. With extended family? Not a good idea. At school? Hell no.
However, my ex (and my friend, surprisingly), did not agree with this philosophy so we went the more traditional route of not swearing and teaching them to not swear as well. The funny thing is, had we gone with my cussin’-friendly idea, I would have had a much more challenging transition to talking on the radio. Because I curse. A lot. Sailors ain’t got nothing on me. But I only do it when the kids aren’t around. Now that they are in their teens, I have loosened the linguistic lasso a bit, but I am still guarded when it comes to what I say around them.
And that liberation feels so nice. I heartily believe we should be using the words that are comfortable to us. Certainly, be aware of meaning, use words in the right context—even if that context is just an expletive born out of frustration or difficulty. Everybody needs the occasional “Oh shit!” moment. Sometimes a naughty word is the only appropriate one that will fit the situation.
And when it comes to sex, that is more often the case than not.
* * *
Another part of my parenting strategy has been to never shy away from my kids’ questions about sex and sexuality. If they ask, I tell them. If something interesting comes up in culture or current events, I discuss it with them. In doing so, I think I have helped them to positive attitudes about sex, sexuality and gender. We frequently visit the zoo and one time we saw two giant tortoises mating. All of the other parents around were giving explanations about the animals playing leapfrog or some such nonsense. One of mine turned to me and said “they’re mating, right?”
Now, given that were in a public place, I wouldn’t have approved of her saying “they’re fucking, right?” And because my little language experiment was not endorsed by the full parental council of our home, I really don’t know if I’d have approved of that comment at home. But the idea, to me, remains: Why do we hold such stock in perceived “dirty” words-particularly when it comes to sex? Did our control over their language stunt their development and understanding of sex…on their own terms?
* * *
Sometime after the Bestia interview, a funny coincidence became an ongoing situation. At some point, one guest used the word ‘cock’ live on air. And then the next week and then the next…until it seemed as if cock had become a required part of the show. The funny thing is, cock wasn’t said every week, but it did get used frequently enough, over an extended period, that we stopped noticing. What is, arguably, the male ‘c’ word (though I acknowledge not as loaded) became so commonplace on our show as to be indistinguishable from the rest of the conversations. And nary a complaint has been registered.
So, why can’t his happen with the rest of the so-called dirty words? Would liberating fuck, shit, cunt, and the rest of their ilk actually free our tongues as well as our relationships with sex and sex-related topics?
We saw this happen on Sex City with cock. Radio and television have embraced ‘ass,’ rescuing it from the unspeakable list. In a disturbingly parallel situation, actual anatomically-correct words for genitalia have also been freed with some, such penis and vagina heard more frequently in media and casual conversation. Can other words, sexual or not, be far behind?
Don’t get me wrong, I certainly believe there are some words that should not come into common use. However, I cannot think of any of a sexual context that should be censored. The key here is context and intention. Sure, cocksucker, slut and pervert are most frequently used as insults and are meant to demean and harm. But that is just one context—not the version I am trumpeting. All three of those can also be used with the deepest of affection. Of course, slut and pervert are commonplace words, but they aren’t accepted as positive descriptors.
Will it ever be possible, in a film or on TV, for an actor to say about another actor “What a cocksucker!” and mean it positively?
My observations of Sex City and popular media make me think we’ve already got this down in real life. The parlance of our times suggests that fucking, cock, dick, balls, pussy, cunt and tits are far more commonly used among lovers and friends than intercourse penis, vulva, vagina, breasts and the rest of the biological terms. Somehow, those who actually talk about sex are more comfortable using alternative wording than they are hearing them.
So while the more salacious words may not be the proper terms, they are at least creating conversations about sex.
* * *
I’ve since lost touch with Bestia. Her website is under repair. I wonder if she is still keen on armpits and having hers ravished… I wonder if she still models or if she’s moved on to something new…. I wonder if she ever made that glorious gang bang happen.
What I wonder most of all is if she’d tell me, in a personal conversation, all about that wild orgy she happily told my listeners about. Armpits remain a fairly out-there fetish. Was she brave enough to talk about her interests in such a raunchy way because it had to do with performance? Would she be so bold if we were just sharing beer, chatting?
Raise your hand if you think she would.
