This is a conundrum for me. I am fully aware that men are into sex toys, both using them on others and themselves. Or are they?
I have twice tried to offer a workshop specifically for men and the toys they might like. Once was back in the fall of 2011 and most recently this past March. The workshops were offered at two different shops, in two different areas of Toronto. One was during the week, in the evening and the other was offered on the weekend.
Both were cancelled due to lack of interest.
And I am left to wonder…why?
Now, I am fully able to accept that there are many potential factors involved here that aren’t about sex toys. Maybe the advertising wasn’t enough. Maybe I wasn’t appealing as a facilitator. Maybe the timing wasn’t convenient. Maybe the price was too high. These all could have played a part, but I don’t think any or a combination of them all were the final answer.
Because someone else ran a very similar workshop in May that had low attendance or was also cancelled (I haven’t confirmed this).
Evidence on the shelves of every sex shop around would indicate that guys are getting into toys. Sure, items to stimulate women and their bits still outnumber those for men, but new playthings for fellas are popping up every day. There are Fleshlights and TENGA eggs and pumps and sleeves and prostate toys OH MY! So why couldn’t I get anyone to come out, learn and talk about them?
Because guys aren’t supposed to talk about sex, except in the locker room “Oh yeah, I banged her!” sort of way. Guys aren’t supposed to ask questions for help about sexual topics. Guys aren’t supposed to share with each other their thoughts or ideas or concerns with sex.
How can that still be? Aren’t we more open now?
Sadly, I don’t think we are, for more reasons than just societal stereotypes of men—though those reasons just might explain why men aren’t able to talk about sex.
First and foremost, boys need progressive, thoughtful and comprehensive sex education. From an early age. We cannot expect men to have a solid grounding in the complex world of sex without a strong base to work from.
At the same time, men must take it upon themselves to recognize and change all of those stereotypes—including challenging the comments, thoughts and actions of other men. If a friend makes sexually degrading comments, challenge him. If a friend shoots down new sexual thoughts or ideas, question him. If a friend is suffering with something sexual, offer help, condolence or space, whichever is requested.
Finally, the presentation of men who are involved in sex industry—producers and consumers—needs to change from sleazeballs and trenchcoaters. Many fantastic, sex-positive men are sex educators, sex workers, porn producers and actors, writers, bloggers and more. Unfortunately, media still presents men who are sex-involved as perverts (an insult to all my favourite perverts!). So, media needs to get a grip on the idea that men are involved in sexuality in healthy, productive ways.
I’d love to offer the Toys for Boys workshop again sometime, though I don’t imagine changes will happen overnight. I really do think it is a great topic for guys to learn about. I love the collection I’ve got in my night table drawer (and cupboard and under the bed…). And maybe, playing with toys is a perfect analogy for the topic: sexual understanding is truly in its infancy for men. But if we get them interested in fun toys early on, maybe they’ll grow up to enjoy great, fulfilling playtimes later.
