Yesterday I passed along The Redhead Bedhead‘s post about having a “Fuck-It List.” That list is your choice of folks you’d love to get with, if you have the chance.
I put my post out there as part of #adultsexedmonth and was very intrigued by #adultsexedmonth founder Ms. Quote‘s response on Twitter:
“If I fantasize about being w/ someone, it means I’m not happy w/ the one I’m with.”
I have to admit, I was taken aback a little bit by this statement. While I find it very tender and an indication of love between her and her partner, I bristled a bit. And I then had to catch myself.
What set me off was the whole idea of fantasy and fantasizing. As someone so involved with sex media, I do always have to be aware when I am too “inside” on topics, presuming that everyone, included like-minded folks, are completely in-line with what I have learned and feel.
This is definitely not always the case and this is a perfect example.
I take it for granted that we all feel that fantasy is a natural part of sexual feelings. This has been a common, almost pervasive theme in sex education literature I have read over the years. Fantasizing is the way we explore new sexual relations and acts before we can realize them—if we ever get to realize them. Lay back, masturbate and think about whatever it is that get’s you off. Or, if you’re both comfortable with it, include your partner in those thoughts and see where the two of you can take it.
Fantasy is the ultimate, easiest form of escape and we are all prone to it on some level.
Now, I’m not foolish enough to think that fantasy is problem-free. Indeed, fantasy thoughts can lead to actions—actions that can be damaging to yourself or others—particularly when they involve sex. However, I suggest that once a person moves fantasy thoughts out of their self and acts upon them, then the fantasy is now an action and actions are the result of many things, mainly lack of self-control. And it is unfortunate that there is nowhere near as much taught on learning self-control as there is on fulfilling fantasies.
That is the practical problem of fantasies, but there is also a real and significant emotional issue: guilt and jealousy.
It may not apply in all cases, but I am linking these two difficult feelings because I do think they go hand in hand. How often do we hear about one person in a relationship fantasizing about someone else and then either a) that person feels guilty about fantasizing or b) the partner somehow finds out about the fantasy and then becomes jealous.
Let me digress here to say that I am not in any way trying to psychoanalyze Ms. Quote or her relationship!
But when these two emotions come creep in, we forget the most base nature of fantasy: it is not reality. It is thought, it is diversion, it is play. Fantasizing about fucking someone else should not be challenging to a relationship, nor should it impede the love and trust that should already be built. If there are already issues in a relationship then, yes, fantasy might be another crack in the wall. But if people love and respect each other, then fantasy should not be feared.
In fact, I’ll take it a step further. If you can confide in your partner who is on your Fuck-It list, and your partner can accept this revelation, the two of you are participating in tremendous trust-building. Opening yourself up like that tells your partner “this is a part of me.” Hearing and accepting this information let’s your partner tell you “I love all parts of you.” Even if some things you fantasize about may be difficult to hear, that is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship further through honest communication.
But let’s not forget another important part of fantasy: it can be hot! Some sexual partners can share sexual thoughts and desires when it comes to positions, fetish, preferences with relative easy. (I recognize that for some this is still a difficult process). Why not discuss sexy, attractive people? Why not share the things about other people you find so titillating? That guy’s voice turns you on. That woman makes you laugh and that drives you crazy. Asses! Legs! Hair! The list goes on and on. We find so many different things attractive.
Of course, if you want to discuss these things with your partner, you will need to be sensitive to their feelings. It might be shocking and we all know that self-esteem is a delicate flower to hold. This goes back to action. Be sure to assure your partner that you aren’t going to act on this desire, you just like to fantasize about this person. And just because you fantasize about this person you are with your partner. Build that trust that says “I love you I just think about fucking him.”
Without a doubt, I think pure, fun fantasy is a great way to explore sexual thoughts and desires. In fact, I think I’m going to finish up here to go partake a little myself…
