This excellent article about being personally kinky but in a relationship with someone who isn’t (I’m not keen on the term ‘vanilla’) reminds me of a debate I had with my partner a little while ago. Cara Sutra expertly lays out the various difficulties in trying to reconcile your own fetishsexual (love that term!) ways with your partner’s complete lack of interest.
But what we discussed was whether there is the potential for a societal shift in personal fulfillment. Could you ever accept your partner visiting a sex worker if there were one (or more) specific fetishes that your partner desired but you are unable/unwilling to participate in? I liken it to having a hobby that your partner doesn’t enjoy. Perhaps it is going to a sports event or the opera or playing golf or listening to certain music. We all have individual tastes, why shouldn’t that extend to sex?
First thing, I realize, is unpacking the stigma around sex workers. In my utopia, there is no stigma around sex work. Neither visiting or doing that work. Second, we have to get past this idea of infidelity. The scenario I propose is entirely related to fulfilling a sexual need. Perhaps you’re really into watersports and want to get pissed on. Your partner has no interest. Well then…go to someone who can provide that service. That is just one example, but the idea could apply to any act. The key is both partners would be in agreement, consent is clear and it leaves both partners feeling fulfilled.
The key to our discussion was that the visit would be exclusively for fulfilling that need. You want a good spanking, you go for a good spanking—that is all. You want anal, you go for anal—that is all. A huge amount of negotiation would be required as well as a high level of trust. Most importantly, the person visiting the professional would also need to employ a significant amount of restraint if the visit got hot and heavy.
Of course, people have been visiting sex workers and getting their fetish on for…ever and I hope that many are doing it as a consensual arrangement within their relationship. Surely though, some are not. The sneaking and duplicity, unfortunately, may leave you temporarily fulfilled in terms of physical need, but it may also be setting you and your partner up for emotional difficulty.
A new arrangement could be something to think about…